Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Wheels Are Turning...

But they seem to just be spinning and spinning, and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. This isn't an anecdote for my fiber spinning either, because that certainly isn't happening. There are so many things going on in my mind, so many things I want to be doing, that I want done and I can't do a single one of them. I'm pulled in a hundred different directions and when I do get a few minutes to sit and relax, a few minutes when I could do the things I want to do, I'm too mentally exhausted. I'm frustrated about it too, and when I get like this I pull back from doing anything-things I want to do and things I need to do- and everything goes to pieces.

In January we were being very careful about spending, I was saving between $40-50 each grocery shopping trip, not spending frivolously and not eating out. We didn't use credit cards and I had to sign the girls up again for gymnastics and buy a new camera. I was very proud! I was feeling great about where we were and the direction we were taking. But now? I'm just run down. I feel like everything I do is undone every day.

Remember that great home management binder I started? I wash the sink and 2 hours later there is either liquid soap dripped all over or toothpaste globbed up. There's always mess on the mirrors - I don't even want to wash those. What's the point? I haven't vacuumed in a week because I can't keep the floor picked up long enough to vacuum. Even with the girls helping, they pick up their things, then we have to run out. We get home, I have to start cooking some meal and they play in the meantime...I didn't get time to get the vacuum out. It's making me crazy.

So today Peanut has a cough. Nice, wet congested cough. No idea where it came from as she didn't have it as of noon yesterday. She's tired, and cranky and easily crying. Time for a nap. Both girls lay down, I dictate an hour. Who falls asleep? Goosie. Peanut is up there goofing around. It's been 2 hours now, and what have I done with all this wonderful "free time"? Craft? Clean? Nope. Sat here on my behind reading blogs. I'm so frustrated by this!

I have to break this cycle. I have to find a way to manage what has to be done at home with the outside the house schedule with free time for me and engaging the girls with activity and nurturing. Maybe it's the mid-winter doldrums kicking in, which is never good, but I just want to hole up in my own pretty world. But right now my world is all cluttery, and even my imaginary escape is just full of one great big to-do list.

I guess I'll just get it all out there, make one giant to-do list for February and start chipping away. Maybe I'll clear the list up before the end of the month and I can chill out on the 28th. Pffft! I'll put "eat chocolate" first one the list. At least I'll feel accomplished with one thing.


  1. I'm all about eating chocolate!

    Bethany, I find so many inspirations these days, and I don't seem to ever have the finished product resulting from said inspiration. It's like my ideas just float right out the window. :(

    I don't have daughters, but I can empathize with nearly everything you wrote. My To-Do lists are longer than the hours in a day. And there's always things I've left off my lists - mostly left off on accident, since I forgot about them in the first place!

    Hang in there. Consider yourself hugged from Denali!!!!!

  2. Why don't you just take it day by day? It sounds like you put too much pressure on yourself. I think most SAHMs do. I remember those days. It almost seemed "lazy" to not do something productive in the house.

    But you know what? Who cares? Things will get done. Eventually. Nothing has to be perfect. Ever.

    You have young children who are going to track dirt in the second after you vacuum and put toothpaste in the sink hours after you cleaned it.

    Let stuff go, my friend. Be lazy if you want. Your girls are growing up quickly, and then you'll have all of the time you want to clean.

  3. I was going to post something motivational, but auburnchick beat me to it! Listen to her, she has some great advice! It sounds like you're putting the right priorities first: your family/yourself (those are both each as important as the other one) and then cleaning. You'll never look back and regret not having vacuumed enough, but I know many families who look back and regret not spending as much time with their families.

  4. You know, it's ok to sit & read. Really. You're not wrecking anything or shirking any responsibilities by doing so. You're caring for the brain.

    If I came at you with the same laundry list of things, you'd be telling me that taking time for me was good for my mind, and that I needed it emotionally. In fact, I think you probably have. Heed thine own advice.

  5. I know how you feel. I told my hubs other day that I have got to get out of this rut. I think everyone needs some sunshine right now. Sunshine and 70 degrees. Just a few days of that will help. Hang in there--you're not alone!